Swift as the Coursing River
by alexanderavery998
Summary: Mulan isn't sure if she identifies as a woman, man, both, or neither. That's okay with Shang, because he loves his partner dearly no matter what. Genderfluid!Mulan/Bisexual!Shang, one-shot.


**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** _I cross-post here (FFN), Archive Of Our Own (AO3), and Wattpad as alexanderavery998. If you find my fics anywhere else, please let me know, because that means they have been stolen and reposted without my permission._

After rewatching the original Mulan, I couldn't stop thinking about this until I wrote it. Hope you enjoy!

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**~ SWIFT AS THE COURSING RIVER ~**

Shang and Mulan lay stargazing as the stars made their nightly trek across the sky, except Shang wasn't watching the stars. He was watching his partner, and, not for the first time, he saw two images looking back at him: Mulan and Ping.

When she woke up in the morning, hair in a tousled bun, her voice momentarily deeper by lack of use overnight, suddenly she was Ping, the clumsy but ultimately capable soldier who had stolen his heart. It was Ping who chewed on his lip and furrowed his brow when he was deep in thought or worried; it was Ping whose cleverness and quick thinking saved their division time and time again; it was Ping who had saved his life. But then Ping would yawn, stretch, let his hair down, and rise out of bed, and suddenly he was Mulan. Just as clumsy, just as capable and clever, just as breathtaking, but in a fundamentally different way. It was as if Shang watched her through a haze of shimmering heat, where she was one image, now two, now one again, never the same way twice.

"Mulan?" he said softly.

"Hmm?" Mulan's gaze didn't waver from the starry expanse stretching above them.

"Can I ask you a question?"

Mulan grinned and gave him a sly look out of the corner of her eye. "You just did."

Shang groaned and punched her lightly in the shoulder, before immediately feeling self- conscious. A playful punch was something he would've given Ping in a heartbeat, but now he was second-guessing himself. He cursed inwardly. Why did it matter whether she was Mulan or Ping? Why couldn't he reconcile her duality in his mind and treat her the same way regardless?

"You know what I meant," said Shang, studying her face, but she was already looking back at the stars.

"Of course I did," she said goodnaturedly. "Ask away."

Shang took a deep breath and let it out. Now that it came time to ask the question, he was scrambling for words, unsure how to phrase it. "Do…do you still want to be a man? Or are you a woman? I mean, did you like being a man? Or, I mean, what I'm trying to say is —"

Mulan rolled over to face him and put a finger to his lips. "Shh, Shang, I get what you're asking. It's okay."

Relief flooded his chest as he let out an awkward chuckle. "Good. I just wasn't sure how to ask, or if you were going to be upset, or —" Seeing the look on her face, he stopped abruptly.

Mulan took one of his huge hands in her small ones and leaned into him, resting her head against his chest. Shang tucked his free arm around her shoulder, warmth and affection flooding through him. Why was he so worried? Mulan or Ping, he was in love with them, and it didn't really matter to him which one he was with. As confusing as it sometimes was — and he was sure it was confusing for her, too — he was trying his best to understand. He had known that he would eventually have to ask Mulan some questions, if only to satiate his curiosity and get a grip on their situation. However, the longer Mulan lay curled up against him and silent, the more anxious he grew. Was she going to answer his question? Was she afraid that he would reject her, whatever her answer was?

Finally, Mulan cleared her throat and snuggled closer to Shang, her voice soft and thoughtful. "I — I honestly don't know. It's not like I dislike being a woman, and I've always identified as one. But at the same time, being Ping was so freeing...strange and difficult, sure, wading through territory that was foreign to me, growing up as a woman...but it wasn't bad. It was...enjoyable, actually." She took a deep shuddering breath, and Shang squeezed her tighter, a strong reassuring hand on her back.

"I've never admitted that to anyone," she whispered. "I hate the gender roles I'm expected to play, and I identified with Ping, but I still feel like a woman." Her voice became so quiet that Shang could barely hear her next words. "And yet, sometimes...sometimes I still identify with Ping." Mulan let out a sound that might've been a sob. "I don't know. I'm a woman most of the time, but...sometimes I'm Ping, and I don't know how to explain it."

Shang held her tight and murmured into her hair. "It's okay. I...it's...thank you for sharing that with me. It's okay. We'll get through this together."

Mulan pulled away. In the starlight, he could see a tear trickle down her cheek, a few loose strands of her hair stuck to her face. "We?"

"We," Shang said fiercely, taking both of her hands in his and engulfing them completely. "You don't think that I only ever loved you as Mulan, do you? I was in love with Ping before I even knew there _was _a Mulan. And if you're sometimes still Ping, well, then so be it. I loved him then, and I'll love him now."

Mulan sniffled. "I didn't think you would have a problem with Ping or with Mulan, Shang, but with...well, both. At the same time. I mean, different times, but both present —" She huffed in frustration. "You know what I mean."

Shang smiled and wiped away one of her tears with his thumb. "Now look who's struggling for words," he said softly. "It's alright, Mulan, I know what you're trying to say. And I mean it when I say I don't care. Mulan or Ping, I still love you."

Mulan clutched his hands. "You promise?"

"I promise. Always and forever."

The smile on his partner's face was brighter and more beautiful than the full moon. "I love you, Shang."

"I love you, too."


End file.
